Through the Eyes of an Artist
Have you ever heard some one say that artists are strange people? Or that artists think differently than other people? It's true. Artists don't think along the same path as normal people. I can't speak for all artists only for myself. It's up to you to decide wheather I am an artist or not but I do consider myself an artist, after all drawing got me through a rough part of my life and later I found that writing helps me work out things that bother me. I do write poetry and even music sometimes but like my drawings I can't force myself to share them. They are for me only. My writing however I want to share. My writing is not always about me, but to put my drawings or my poetry out there would be like standing naked in front of the world.
My thoughts are based wholly on my feelings. I am emotion based like a lot of women but more so. I don't really look at peoples faces. When I look at someone I don't see what they look like. I see the crease in their brow of the tear in their eye. I see the curve of the lip, the crinkle of the nose, the inability to make eye contact, the redness of cheeks, the slight dimple of the cheek. I see what people are feeling easier than anything else. If you have read In a Land Far Away you may have noticed that I have incorporated this into the story. Not quite the same but that is one of the things that comes straight from me.
When I listen to music I don't listen to the beat or watch the video, I listen to the words. I have an uncanny ability to make the words mean what I want them to and most of the time I end up crying. Movies are the same. A little bit of drama and I am in tears. I know this really bothers my husband. He can say something to me sometimes and I just break down in tears. It's not really his fault. It is just the way I think. He was sleeping one night and the simple act of laying my head on his chest brought me to tears that lasted at least an hour. That feeling of contentment and knowing that I was in the safest place im the world brought me so much happiness.
Being alone can have its good points but for me it is terrible. I spend the majority of my time alone, except for my kids.
"Do you need some time on your own,
Do you need some time all alone?
Everybody needs some time on their own,
Everybody needs some time all alone."
Everything in excess I guess. I really preferr to have some one around all the time. I feel like if I am alone then bad things can happen. I don't really know what it is I fear but it scares me to death. I am paranoid beyond reason. I think this is where my obsession with chat comes from. I feel like I am surrounded by people. I feel like nothing bad can happen because those people will see it even though they can't.
My head is constantly filled with images that don't make sense. The more I try to sort them out the worse they get. I have this crazy feeling that there is a message hidden in the images and if I can just work it out I will know something great. Something that will have such a huge impact on my life that it will be changed forever.
I have suffered from depression. I still have relapses sometimes but I have found ways to keep me sane. I can't draw anymore. Drawing brings out too many dark thoughts. I have been to the point that I considered suicide. I still do from time to time but I always manage to talk myself out of it. At first it was hard. The thought of the pain always kept me from doing it and there are ways around the pain. After my kids were born the pain didn't really bother me anymore. Pain is nothing now. Now it is my kids. I can't imagine leaving my kids. No matter how out of sorts I get I think of them and manage to sort myself out.
Most people think that other people commit, attempt, or consider suicide because they can't take what life throws at them. For me and I think most people who consider suicide it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with those around me. Their life would be better if it were not for me, but I am selfish. I want to be with my kids even if it does ruin their lives. I want to be there when my daughters get married. I want to see my son carry his first child out of the maternity ward. I want to see the happy times in their lives, that is what keeps me sane, that is what keeps me here. Drawing for some reason makes me want to end everything. My pictures will start out inocent enough. Ducks, bears, raccons... Then it gets odd... Unusual... This is why no one has ever seen the majority of my drawings. I can't take people knowing what really goes on in my head. So, I quit. It got to hard to manage. I can't do it anymore. I have too many other things to drive me to the edge.
Poetry can put me in an odd place too, but is never as bad as being able to see what it is that is in my head. Poetry allows me to let it out without actually seeing it, only putting it into words. It is the same with writing, but I closely monitor what I am writing. I suspect that my writing would be better if I could force myself to stop this and just let it flow but I can't. Not yet. I also have a sinking feeling that this realease would take my writing from fantasy to romance or erotica. If you have read anything I have wrote you will notice that I have a facination with my characters falling in love. I have tried writing it so they don't like each other but I always find myself making them fall for each other so that I can write the sex scene... I often do write the sex scene then backspace it out and rewrite the scene as something else, I do this just to satisfy my need to write it.
Have you ever heard some one say that artists are strange people? Or that artists think differently than other people? It's true. Artists don't think along the same path as normal people. I can't speak for all artists only for myself. It's up to you to decide wheather I am an artist or not but I do consider myself an artist, after all drawing got me through a rough part of my life and later I found that writing helps me work out things that bother me. I do write poetry and even music sometimes but like my drawings I can't force myself to share them. They are for me only. My writing however I want to share. My writing is not always about me, but to put my drawings or my poetry out there would be like standing naked in front of the world.
My thoughts are based wholly on my feelings. I am emotion based like a lot of women but more so. I don't really look at peoples faces. When I look at someone I don't see what they look like. I see the crease in their brow of the tear in their eye. I see the curve of the lip, the crinkle of the nose, the inability to make eye contact, the redness of cheeks, the slight dimple of the cheek. I see what people are feeling easier than anything else. If you have read In a Land Far Away you may have noticed that I have incorporated this into the story. Not quite the same but that is one of the things that comes straight from me.
When I listen to music I don't listen to the beat or watch the video, I listen to the words. I have an uncanny ability to make the words mean what I want them to and most of the time I end up crying. Movies are the same. A little bit of drama and I am in tears. I know this really bothers my husband. He can say something to me sometimes and I just break down in tears. It's not really his fault. It is just the way I think. He was sleeping one night and the simple act of laying my head on his chest brought me to tears that lasted at least an hour. That feeling of contentment and knowing that I was in the safest place im the world brought me so much happiness.
Being alone can have its good points but for me it is terrible. I spend the majority of my time alone, except for my kids.
"Do you need some time on your own,
Do you need some time all alone?
Everybody needs some time on their own,
Everybody needs some time all alone."
Everything in excess I guess. I really preferr to have some one around all the time. I feel like if I am alone then bad things can happen. I don't really know what it is I fear but it scares me to death. I am paranoid beyond reason. I think this is where my obsession with chat comes from. I feel like I am surrounded by people. I feel like nothing bad can happen because those people will see it even though they can't.
My head is constantly filled with images that don't make sense. The more I try to sort them out the worse they get. I have this crazy feeling that there is a message hidden in the images and if I can just work it out I will know something great. Something that will have such a huge impact on my life that it will be changed forever.
I have suffered from depression. I still have relapses sometimes but I have found ways to keep me sane. I can't draw anymore. Drawing brings out too many dark thoughts. I have been to the point that I considered suicide. I still do from time to time but I always manage to talk myself out of it. At first it was hard. The thought of the pain always kept me from doing it and there are ways around the pain. After my kids were born the pain didn't really bother me anymore. Pain is nothing now. Now it is my kids. I can't imagine leaving my kids. No matter how out of sorts I get I think of them and manage to sort myself out.
Most people think that other people commit, attempt, or consider suicide because they can't take what life throws at them. For me and I think most people who consider suicide it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with those around me. Their life would be better if it were not for me, but I am selfish. I want to be with my kids even if it does ruin their lives. I want to be there when my daughters get married. I want to see my son carry his first child out of the maternity ward. I want to see the happy times in their lives, that is what keeps me sane, that is what keeps me here. Drawing for some reason makes me want to end everything. My pictures will start out inocent enough. Ducks, bears, raccons... Then it gets odd... Unusual... This is why no one has ever seen the majority of my drawings. I can't take people knowing what really goes on in my head. So, I quit. It got to hard to manage. I can't do it anymore. I have too many other things to drive me to the edge.
Poetry can put me in an odd place too, but is never as bad as being able to see what it is that is in my head. Poetry allows me to let it out without actually seeing it, only putting it into words. It is the same with writing, but I closely monitor what I am writing. I suspect that my writing would be better if I could force myself to stop this and just let it flow but I can't. Not yet. I also have a sinking feeling that this realease would take my writing from fantasy to romance or erotica. If you have read anything I have wrote you will notice that I have a facination with my characters falling in love. I have tried writing it so they don't like each other but I always find myself making them fall for each other so that I can write the sex scene... I often do write the sex scene then backspace it out and rewrite the scene as something else, I do this just to satisfy my need to write it.
bravenet.com